Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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