It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I need moral support for this bender
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
