woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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