I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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