if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
We need a shit load of segways right now
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
