considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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