I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
