It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Randomize
