you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
