Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
