Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
