I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
