He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
