Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Less talking, more tequila
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
