you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
