You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
