Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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