How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
COCAINE IS GR8
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
