dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
