3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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