you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
