Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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