Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
