i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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