You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
