woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
