Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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