he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
