question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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