I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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