Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
bring money and cleavage
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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