Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
