I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
