The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
