he puts the penis in happiness.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
