Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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