Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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