I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
So squirting runs in the family.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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