I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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