I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
