Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
whose parrot is this?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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