my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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