i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
