every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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