My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize