ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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