so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
