it's too hot outside to masturbate.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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