I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you will always have a special place in my vag
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
i am craving dick and cupcakes
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
