Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
