you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
