Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
