I wish I only lived at night.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
