u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Randomize
