Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
