Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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