there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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