Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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