Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
