Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
