I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize