I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
