Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
