Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
