if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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