im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
