WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
